3 min read
If you’re single and want marriage, I want you to listen up! I’m going to keep it one hundred with you about why you’re probably still single.
Sometimes it’s hard to face; I know it is for me sometimes. But the only way you can deal with your problems is to face them first. So, here it is, eight reasons you’re still single. Let’s get into it.
1. You have defenses from past trauma
You’re afraid of getting hurt again.
We all have defenses in place to protect us from the inevitable pain of being alive, and if you've been hurt in the past by people who were supposed to care about you, your defenses are likely up at full strength. But that doesn't mean they're protecting you from anything at all. They may be backfiring big time.
If your defenses keep potential partners away from you, then think about what you want out of a relationship and how that differs from what relationships provide.
Maybe what matters most to you is an emotional connection with someone who can be trusted as a friend first and foremost. Perhaps having sex isn't so important after all; maybe what matters is feeling like someone personally understands where you're coming from.
Allow yourself space and time alone so that when love does come along again, it won't feel like such an enormous pressure but rather just another piece in your life puzzle, something natural and easygoing instead of overwhelming or overwhelmingly difficult.
2. Unhealthy attractions: you’re attracted to the wrong person
Being attracted to a bad person is one of the biggest reasons you're still single.
You might be attracted to someone who:
- Isn’t available (e.g., they’re married, in a relationship, or have other reasons for not being interested)
- Doesn't want a relationship right now
- Has different values than you do (e.g., they don't share your religious views)
- Has other interests than you do (e.g., they like sports while you don't)
- Isn't compatible with you on a physical level
Being attracted to the wrong person can cause frustration and lead you down an emotional roller coaster ride with them, which isn't suitable for anyone involved.
Why are you always attracted to the wrong people?
You're checking for love in all the wrong places. You may look for love in all the wrong places because you don't know what you want. You may need to find out what type of person will be compatible with your values, interests, and personality. Therefore, you are attracted to someone who doesn't share those same qualities.
You want someone who will make you feel good about yourself. You may overlook that this person is not suitable for you because they are good at making people feel better about themselves. You want someone who will make you feel good about yourself, so you end up with a partner you think will fulfill that need.
They have qualities that you like, but they need to be a better match for you. You are attracted to them because they have those qualities, but when it comes down to it, they just don't fit in with your life.
For example: Let’s say you are often attracted to people who make you laugh and feel good. They are fun to be around and make you laugh. You may overlook that they only have a few qualities you like in a partner and you’re mostly incompatible.
3. Fear of intimacy
Fear of intimacy is a common problem that affects many people, both men, and women. Intimacy anxiety is the dread of getting close to someone, especially when that closeness involves sexual contact. Yet another way to put it is as a general unease with relationships, whether they are friendly or romantic.
Causes of fear of intimacy
You haven't had a lot of good experiences with relationships. You may have had bad experiences in the past, such as being abused by a partner, being hurt by someone you love, or simply not feeling loved enough. These experiences can make it hard to trust and feel safe with others.
You've been hurt in the past and don't want to go through that again. You may be afraid that another person will hurt you, even if they don't mean to. This can make it hard to trust people and be intimate with them.
You're scared of being vulnerable with someone else. Being intimate means showing your true self, including the good and bad parts that you might not want others to see. Some people are more comfortable sharing these things with their friends than with a romantic partner, who could judge them harshly or react in ways that aren't helpful or kind.
You might also be more comfortable being alone than being close to someone else. Being alone can be a relief, especially if you've had negative experiences with other people in the past. You may worry that if you let someone get close to you, they will hurt or disappoint you. Or you may feel like there isn't room in your life for another person when so many things need doing.
If this is you, then I want you to seek out a therapist to work through your fears of intimacy. I’m a huge fan of my friends at BetterHelp, and encourage anyone dealing with these issues to work through them with a certified therapist.
Think about it. Your first reaction to being picky might be, "No, I'm not picky. I have standards!" But that's not true. Everyone has their preferences and expectations regarding dating and relationships, but if you're too particular with all your requirements for potential partners, nobody will ever meet them.
If you want to find someone who'll make your heart beat faster, you need to open up and get out there! Try a lot of different things so that when something comes along that does catch your attention (or vice versa), you'll know it's worth pursuing further.
You'll only find love if you stop being so picky and consider dating someone who crosses your path. There's nothing wrong with being selective regarding dating, but don't let it become an obsession.
5. You’re not sure if you want to be married or not
This is a complicated one, because it’s like you have two desires: the desire to keep living your best single life and the desire for a life partner. Having two minds about marriage are going to keep you from committing to a marriage partner.
If you’re not sure, consider this: there’s nothing wrong with being single. Really, the Apostle Paul was single and encouraged people to be single if they could, but he also made it clear that there’s nothing wrong with getting married either.
Take some time and do some soul searching, even consider talking to a therapist to work through some of your thoughts and feelings.
6. Low self-esteem
A significant reason why people stay single is that they don't feel good enough to be in a relationship. They may have low self-esteem or negative body image issues, which means they can't see themselves as someone who deserves love.
A lack of self-love can cause people to stay single for a long time because they don't feel like they have anything to offer another person. They may not feel attractive or outgoing enough, so they avoid dating to protect themselves from rejection.
How does self-esteem affect your dating life?
You don't believe you merit being in a committed relationship. When you don't feel good enough, it can seem like you don't have anything to offer another person. This can make dating seem impossible because you think no one would want to date someone like you.
Listen, it’s in your head and the insecure energy you put out is what turns people off, not your looks. When you don't feel good about yourself, it can be difficult to keep someone else interested, because insecurity is a turn-off for a lot of people.
Working through your insecurities and learning to love yourself is hard work but it’s what you need to do if you’re going to attract a good mate. This may involve doing selfcare, working through past issues and speaking to a professional counselor who specializes in these issues.
7. You’re always alone or with friends of the same sex
Listen, you have to be around people of the opposite sex. It doesn't matter if you don't have time for a relationship, if all your friends are guys, or if you just got out of a relationship and need space from other people. The point is that being around only one gender will make it harder for you to meet people.
You also need to be around people who are attracted to you. This doesn't mean being attracted to every person who walks by. But I mean that for attraction to happen, there has to be some initial spark between two people.
And while sometimes it can happen at first sight and sometimes not at all, most of the time, there needs to be something present even before either party realizes they like each other (or at least think they might).
To fix this issue, I suggest you start going out more and join some co-ed groups, where you can meet people.
8. Your routine keeps you from meeting people
Routines are another thing that can kill your chances of meeting someone. Having a routine means you do the same things repeatedly without much variety.
How does routine affect your dating life? Routines affect your dating life by limiting the amount of time you spend with other people. If you have a routine, most of your time will likely be spent doing things independently rather than interacting with others. This means fewer opportunities for new people to enter your life and find something interesting about you.
You've been single for a while and find it hard to change your routine. If that's the case, you're in a rut and not meeting anyone new.
Here are some suggestions:
- Try something different every day: go to a class at the gym, take an improv comedy class or go to church on Sunday instead of Monday night so that you meet more people.
- Take advantage of opportunities for socializing. If someone offers you another drink at dinner or asks if they can sit next to you on the subway, say yes.
- Make time for yourself, but also make time for others. Schedule regular social activities into your week, even if it means canceling plans with friends at times (don't cancel too many).
- Get out of your comfort zone. If attending a party or meeting new people isn't something you're feeling like doing, force yourself to. Long term, it will be advantageous.
- Be active: Join a sports team or take up running or cycling instead of just sitting around watching TV all night.
- Go online: Many websites and apps cater to single people looking for love (or just someone fun to hang out with).
These tips will help you find a great match. Remember that everyone is different, and it's okay not to be with someone if they aren't suitable for you.
If you need help working through these issues, I suggest talking to a therapist with BetterHelp.